LDS Adult Prom

I went to the 2009 LDS Adult Prom with my good friends Donnie and Sandra Hewes. The night was beautiful, and the hall was decorated to the hilt. Donnie and Sandra were as adorable as ever, and I was the token single person there. BUT the dinner was wonderful and I did get to dance twice.. once with my soon to be ex brother in law, Sir Jeremeh Job, and of course Donnie. It was great seeing the loving happy couples enjoying themselves together. It gave me hope that maybe... just maybe it could happen. Until then it is a delight to have great friends like the Hewes's and the Van Gorter's to take me under their wing and make sure that I continue to participate in the opportunities that life as a single woman still holds. I had a good time, and it was fun getting ready for. I do miss that part of married life... date night. :)

Quad Riding in Boy Heaven...

The boys and I got to go camping with some really great friends, family, and the local Desert Search and Rescue team for the Memorial Day weekend. It was a total blast! We had 3 big camping trailers, great food, awesome company, and tons of quads at our site. We went to a little place called Dove Springs. It is located north of Mojave, just north of Red Rock State Park, about where the Mojave Desert reaches the Sierra Nevada's. It has 5,000 acres of trails to explore I am told. (OK, So maybe it is not soooo little.) Personally we came out the back of Naralia in California City until we connected with the 14 and turned Right for 7 miles, the sign is on the left hand side for Dove Springs. It really is not hard to navigate. If I can find it without assistance anyone can. The main road has many ruts running across it and its edges are sandy, but my PT Cruiser had no problem with it so someone with a truck should not even blink an eye. The road is easily wide enough for two-way traffic. Taking it slow on the road is a very good idea because many riders use this road to access camps and other places of interest. (Which I learned that when they "wave" they are actually showing you a number on their hand which tells you how many people are following behind them in their group) Dove Springs has lots of Joshua trees, sandy ground, hills, and several breath taking lookout places. This area caters to hill climbers, jumpers, and explorers of all ages and levels of experience. The left side all the way down in the bowl has “The Wall,” which is the crazy testosterone filled competition hill. It is fun to watch people play on the hill, but even with experience there were three separate medivac accidents this weekend alone there... not a place for sissies... or me for that matter. There are several lines running up to the top of the wall, including some angled paths at its northwest end. Prior to the bowl all the way down the main road are some longer lower climbs with harder ground, for people like me who are not really into being air lifted to hospitals. There is however, plenty of vegetation to make for great scenery everywhere in the park. This riding area is very large. You can see the dark El Paso Mountains to the northeast, Red Rock Canyon State Park to the east and southeast, the California City buttes to the south, the San Gabriel Mountains on the southern horizon, and the Sierra Nevada's to the west. Walking in the mornings or at sunset really offers some truly picturesque views. Campsites are primitive to say the least, as there are no established campsites and absolutely no running water anywhere to be had. Camping is open in any open turnout, with respect to vegetation of course. The entire area is open to day use or overnight use. There are two latrine bathrooms in the bowl with (again) no running water, and limited toilet paper. (So hike in your own) Fortunately, we had several toy haulers with full bathrooms for the women and the little kids who were not old enough to ride the quads to the latrines. But if that is not an option for you you might want to set up camp in the bowl, there is plenty of spots for it. There are no fees; no reservations accepted (first come-first served). The biggest thing to remember is having your "Green Sticker" OHV registration is mandatory for ALL vehicles which are not "street legal".Vehicles must have legal headlights and taillights if they are used at night. And trust me they were checking. The boys had a blast. Watching Colton get squirmy on the quads made me both happy, and uneasy all at the same time. I have always said this is boy mecca out here, but you should see some of these girls... I would not mess with them for sure! We had one woman in our group who broke her leg, but still walked on it, showered, visited and 18 hrs later went to Pinecrest Hospital to get X-Rays before finding out yep, she snaped it... a clean break. All I can say is they grow them tough out here, and this is no place for a princess...but man, did I have fun! The shuttle even came in when we were out there, and for a millisecond I felt bad I was not at a staging area watching my baby come in, or sitting down at Domingo's stalking the astronauts. :) I guess they lucked out this time. The space princess was playing Tom Boy, and soaking up watching her boys having the time of their lives... out in the dunes. Going on trial rides into Last Chance Canyon with the real men, and women of this great desert, getting dirty, and playing hard. I had the time of my life. Here is to good friends, and good times. I hope to be invited back sometime because that was just way too much fun.

Colton has a girlfriend...are you kidding me?

Colton, my Marine Corps dreaming baby boy... is dating. I am sooooooooooo not ready for this. I mean who am I to guide this young man on this journey? I have yet to figure out the complexities of it. I do not know how to adequately steer him in the least bit. I am profoundly unqualified, and yet it is my god given job, duty, and right. How does one teach your child to protect themselves. Make concrete decisions for their lives and stick with them. How to not let the opposite sex steal your life goals, and inner most dreams, intentionally or not. And how does one convey that it can and does happen every single day. I am fearful for him. Dating sucks, and he is too young to even realize that yet. I have a friend who repeatedly asks me "What does Dez want?" What do I want? This has been, in the past, hard for me to answer, but in the light of my son at the same crossroads, I know what I want for him... Thus, I am better equipt to answer it for myself. What I want for me is the same thing that I want for Colton. I want someone we can talk to for hours, someone who challenges us, and makes us want to be better people then we already are. Someone who inspires us, and we can look up too morally and righteously, and yet is our equal everyday of our lives. Someone who is intelligent and makes us think, and yet is fun to engage with, someone we can be silly and goofy around without threat of being thought less of. Someone who makes us chuckle, as well as belly laugh, and yet still brings a sense of peace into our lives, and our hearts, when we are around them. Someone we can share all of life's experiences, adventures, day trips, and mundane routine life with. I want us to have a best friend who cherishes us for the depth of character each of us have, not the shells we allow most to see. I want us to find someone worthy of our hearts. Someone that we would be willing to give up the world for, and yet having them never allows us to do so. I want someone who protects us from ourselves, and sees the aura of our potential and worth, and guides us there. Someone we do not have to walk in front of to bring them up, or that we have to walk behind to push along the journey. I want for us a partner in life who can walk beside us... hold our hands, and are as blessed to have us in their lives as we are to have them in our own. And yet armed with all of this self introspective knowledge all I can say is "I am not ready for this"... How can I show him, when I have never seen it come to fruition myself? How do I convey that the quest for the ideal is truly obtainable. That settling is not an option. How do I teach a child with genes that came from my own stock that there is a process and that the right road is not always the easy road... especially when it comes to dating. Sometimes I feel like I can handle the job of parenting, and others, like now,... I just wish there was a manual. Or at least that I had a couple more years of experience behind me in order to properly address this issue. I need an easy button. If not for me, for Cole. I love that kid, and I just want him to have so much more then I have... in love, in life, in self worth, in success, in education. I want his road to be easier then mine, one fought with less pit falls, and uneven ground. I want to give him the cliff notes version of love and dating, so that he can navigate the path better then I have. And yet, here I sit, as a helpless spectator looking into a fish bowl...Powerless. I guess this is where our journey begins to part. Where one learns to become the coveted friend, and one hopes and prays that the child knows the door is always open, and that they can come to you when they need you... and less the dictatorship parent, forcing ones hand to make things happen "Because I said so". Where guiding becomes an art, and the relationship becomes a dance. Where the choices he makes today are based on the values that I have instilled in him prior. I just hope, more then anything, that I have not let him down. I trust him to make better choices then I have... I just hope that he does.

Mother's Day...

Well, I looked through the closet. But to no avail, I must have sent out my super suit to the cleaners and forgot to go pick it up. Found some dresses I forgot I had, and even a old pair of boots... but no suit.

Today was great, I got to go to church, pay some bills, do some yard work, and go for my walk. I even got a bit of a sunburn. The boys made me cards. George's had poetry and a lucky fox origami creature. As well as a beautiful purple flower to plant in my garden. Dustin's had a smelly ladybug for my linen closet and a letter singing my praises. They were very nice. I even managed to sleep in till 0900, which is a miracle all in itself.

C- Dog was sick, and his present to me was not sharing it. He slept most of the day, which was difficult I am sure with the high temps.

Well, I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day. .. I know at least for me, my mother gets the least credit and deserves the most respect. I hope you were thought of today and were made to feel as special as you truly are. WAY TO GO MOM's!!!! YOU ROCK!!!!

Jason Vons @ The Bakersfield Rodeo!

Some of my dearest friends in all of the world decided it would be a good idea to take me out to the Rodeo in Bakersfield, Ca. Me, the space princess...to the rodeo. I LOVE country music, and enjoy dancing to it even more... but going to the rodeo was lifetime ago, back when I was cute and adorable, when I was loud and full of energy, low on common sense and high on adrenaline! Man, those were the days! Rowdy Dezilou was going back to the scene of the crime, and this time with witnesses... oh my! Of course life has changed me, and with it the rodeo experience too. This night was perfect. We arrived early, got a good parking place, and made our way to the booths in front of the stands. The smell of funnel cakes, fresh roasted corn on the cob, cold beer and steak sauce permeated every square inch of rustic arena space.

Sandra decided to try on cowboy hats, with the disclaimer that she doesn't look good in them resonating from her lips, as men passing by were looking on with one raised eyebrow, thinking "Hell yes you do!" written all over their faces. It made me chuckle to watch the gentle coaxing of her husband, and long time boyfriend, Donnie trying to get her to model them for him. How they delight in one another, makes me smile. Sandra and I checked out jewelry (it is a girl thing!), and made our way to the clothing booths. Sandra and I decided to buy new shirts since the ones we were wearing were too big for us. (by a whole size or two!) She picked out a cute little teal number with pink highlights, and of course she picked out the perfect pink one for me too.

Without thinking, teasingly, I leaned into Donnie, and asked him if he thought I could get that one to go. Leaning back peering through the crowd, eyes affixed on a tall good looking man in the corner. He was the most attractive pretty boy, God has graced the rodeo circuit with in decades... JASON VONS. Donnie caught my gaze, and smiled. His eyes lite up, and within a flash he is gone!!! I am left dying,embarrassed, melting in a pool of why me introspection. (Remind me not to make innuendos to men that love me like their daughter, have no shame in embarrassing me to all hell, and would love nothing else then to see me eternally happy.) In a blink of an eye, and a cloud of dust, Donnie was G-O-N-E...GONE..LONG GONE!!! Square stepped and bee lined to the Army booth, assuredly to hit up the honorable men in green for a picture of their spokesman, front man, recruiter extraordinaire, and pretty boy, Jason Vons with me. He sets up the whole scene with them sharing the sorted details of my divorce...nice. Strangers knowing my loser status, in order to procure a photo with the interest of my desires. But none the less it works, without any reservations his buddies send him down the river... sure he will do it, gladly, anytime man. Donnie is beaming, bouncing on the air currents, proud of his acquisition. He has secured a coveted photo op. Of course I am doing my best to avoid eye contact with him as much as possible, and it is of no use... if anyone knows Donnie, when Donnie wants to be heard, there aren't many who don't notice him.

Donnie is going to make sure I have a great time at this rodeo or he is going to kill me. He breaks the news. He is so proud of himself, and what the heck... like who is Vons anyway? I mean, some self serving wonder god who is in love with himself and his sport of choice no doubt! What does it matter, in the scheme of things, it is one picture...why not, I am game.

After some time (for me to get up my nerve), we meander our way through the crowd for the coveted 30 seconds of shame. Sandra in tow, getting a quick in service on how to use my camera, and we are off. Donnie hits the gates running and introduces himself to Vons. Asking him if his buddies have enlightened him to what they have signed him up for? Yeah no. Not so much... Donnie quickly explains asks if he might pose with me for a photo. And in flash of a second, any rodeo man, or NASCAR nut would truly appreciate, he fires off with HELLLL YA! Let me stop the clock for just a second here, Here I am standing there mortified he does not know, and I am panicky, wanting to leave, exit stage right, fly the coop. And Donnie asks... and he fires back HELLLL YA! He could have said sure, or he could have said no problem, could have even said why not... but he didn't! He said HELLLL YA!

Let me tell you, for a woman going through a divorce, trying every single second of every single moment to stay afloat... there was nothing he could have given me more rewarding then that Milli moment gut reaction in time.

I mean, I don't want a pretty boy to have and to keep for my own, someone you have to feel insecure about who is taking him one from you, I just like watching them, taking note of them... and it is nice...nice beyond measure to know that they took note of me too.

I got my photo and tried to run away, but he introduced himself to Donnie and myself. I shook his hand, made small talk and he asked me my name twice before I actually gave it to him. It was great, and about all that I could handle at this stage of the game for me. We ended up going back to our seats and cheering on the boys from Oakdale,CA- Modesto,CA and Fallon, NV...and of course, Jason Vons. The night was cool, and the rich warm smell of dirt, men and animals wafted through the air. It was perfect rodeo weather. We watched the girls with amazing hair (in envy), and the even more spectacular horses, brave bronc riders, quick as lightning calf ropers, and insaine bull riders all do their thing. Even Vons rode, and impressively placed 3rd, even walked away with a little cash. I guess we both had a really good night. Next year; I am going to buy another shirt since this pink one is going to be too big by then, I am going to eat my very first funnel cake ever...(Strawberry I think), I am coming for both days, and I am sooooooooo staying for the dance... Who knows, maybe by then I will no longer be broken, and I might actually find that one cowboy who challenges me mentally, and loves to dance.... It could happen. Until then; Good Luck Jason Vons...nice ride!

Vortex of Chaos...

Absolute Chaos! I apparently stepped into an alternate reality and well, here I stand in a vortex of chaos. The spiral of intrinsic forces beyond my limited control. I am a slalom skier traveling at a neck breaking pace down a very slippery slope, dodging one trial pole after another in rapid succession, only to be met with yet another one within millimeters of my face. Problem is, I never learned to ski, let alone have a practice run!

I won't get into the long drawn out hows and whys of it all, as I am trying desperately to conquer and progress past each posing threat as quickly as possible, and then forgetting it. Plus, who wants to hash out the depressing parts of life? Everyone carries a burden. Mine right now are multiple and minuscule. Which is preferred to; few and back breaking. It is the vast number that is taking my breath away is all.

You know the quote: "Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away" " I am not sure, but I speculate this is not what they meant by it because this is ridiculous! I mean either you laugh or you cry. Well I have laughed, cracked up even, now I am about to cry.

I just want the world to stop just for a moment... let me step off, and relax. I mean I work at NASA for peat's sake shouldn't I have some kind of a connection for this kind of a request? A space walk maybe? A well needed breath of fresh air? A moment to gather my thoughts and regain the footing that I have apparently lost? I feel as if I am walking on marbles. While this is great for my thighs it is deadly for the rest of my well being.

Am I the only one out here that desires peace and quiet, and a stillness of the spirit? I mean so many of us are in need of it and so few of us posses it. I seek the scriptures and yet I feel like I am left alone to see how I will handle the burden, and yet I don't know if I am failing miserably or not. Just that the vortex is not going away, just that the intensity ebbs between unbearable and well simply chaos personified.

This too shall pass is my sol ice and well I am running out of positive propaganda to fuel my soul. I am in desperate need of sleep, and am seriously thinking about taking something to knock me out tonight so I can. However, for now... I have to figure out a miracle, wrack my brain for a solution... and find an angel of mercy. Anyone got a spare one laying around????

Moving Rant...

Well it is official! We have financially recovered from my last big leap into the abyss we call love, and we are back to living the good life. Doing my best to retain my title of self rescuing princess... which has not been easy this past week. It seemed like if only for a moment that a rift happened within my solar system and I was sucked into a chaotic world of one issue after another. Dustin was ill (hence the blog), My beloved, reliable, 2004, fully paid off, inferno red PT Cruiser broke a timing belt, and while in for repairs needed a new water pump and another belt needed to be replaced. Then my sweet, precious canine daughter Lucy Lu Who decided if the boys get to go to school so should she. Which of course sent the boys into a frantic tizzy over whether or not the school was going to send her to the pound. I torked off some people for being little Ms. Independent and not being willing to ask for help even when they perceive I need it. (When I know I can take care of myself, the kids, the car, and no matter what ever mountain comes my way. So why ask!?! That is what savings accounts and good insurance is for, which I ensure are done deals! - OK, so that makes me stubborn, and maybe closed off, but no where does that make me foolish.) Well the twilight zone moments seem to be ebbing to an end, as well as the tension level that came with it. Now, I am finally able to make the leap with the boys to our new house in North Edwards. It is a bit closer to the base (9miles), my dearest friends live across the street, and the best part is that there is plenty of room for all of us!!! 5 bedrooms, 2 baths, a 4 car garage! I love it!!! There is a family room and a living room, and the family room even has a wood burning stove in it! Colton wants to make the garage into a skating rink, which I love!!! The backyard has a covered patio for relaxing on the porch swing, and it is just remarkable. It is the first time that we all will have our own rooms. No more room mates!!! I still have a den all to myself too, so in essence I get two rooms!! Whoooo Hoooo, it is good to be Mom!! Not only that, but my work horse - Colton, who single handedly moved us into the current place is gone camping this weekend. So, with the help of my friends and neighbors we are moving everything, even the Tee Pee in the backyard so when Colton comes back we will be set up in the new place. I even got him Internet access for his bedroom! I am especially happy about this because I know how much Colton hates moving. He thinks we are moving next weekend. I LOVE IT!! It feels good to know that I can provide a nice stable environment for my kids on my own. I love my job, I love my kids, and I love this house. LIFE IS GOOD!!!! Now to unpack... anyone want to help?

Air Show Schedule for 2009...

Just a quick update on some dates of interest. (At least for me)

***May 25th, 2009 - Open Cock Pit Day at Castle AF Museum in Atwater, CA***

*May 16th, 2009 - Tribute to Our Armed Forced Day at Modesto Airport in Modesto, CA*

*May 29th -31st, 2009 Madera Air Show in Madera, CA*

**September 14th-20th, 2009 Reno Air Races, Reno, NV**

****October 2nd- 4th, 2009 Miramar Marine Corps Air Station Air Show near San Diego****

**October 10th & 11th, 2009 Fleet Week in San Francisco Bay on Pier 39**

***October 17th & 18th, 2009 Edwards AFB Air Show in Edwards, CA***

**November 14th &15th, 2009 Nellis AFB Air Show in Las Vegas, CA**

Miramar is Colton and I's Favorite Air Show, so that is a definite. Then of course Edwards AFB is having their first show in a couple of years and I would not miss that for the world so that is a high ranking second place. Then comes SF and Fleet Week at third place. Fourth Place goes to the Reno Air Races, I have never been, but I am dying to go!!!! Fifth Place goes to Castle AF Museum's Open Cock Pit Day, which I can't miss due to the nostalgia and memories connected to that place. Sixth Place goes to Nellis AFB Air Show. Seventh Place to Modesto Airports Tribute to our Armed Forces. It is a small air show, but they have some great planes that show up, and the people there are the very best. Great for history at its finest!!! And last, but definitely not least on my list is Madera's Air Show. We are going to be BUSY!!!! Oh, I can't wait!!! Can you say ROAD TRIP???????

Go NASA!

The quest for my existence, has brought me to this extraordinary place. A little girl, all grown up, full of excitement, wonderment, and grace. I know that I am blessed by God, my heavenly father above, Encircled in his strong, steadfast, and unmovable love, And yet I am scared this ride of his might somehow come to an end. I am fortunate to know these people and have them call me a friend. How can one ever hope to find an avenue for this wondrous gift to repay? The way we walk in such honorable footsteps of those that came before this day? To watch the crews of such amazing collaborations like Global Hawk,IKHANA, or the X-48B train? I sneak a look into each hanger, inspired, and awed by each, and every new unfolding plane. This peaceful desert landscape pierced only by the majestic beauty of the suns first morning ray. The expanse of 44 square flat precious miles, the worlds largest dry lake bed clay, The place where the shuttles and crew’s come here to kiss the ground, and play. The biggest little “sonic” boom town of the world, set before me this very day. Restricted Air Space R-2508 with winds that are warm and fierce most days of the year. The Motto from every pilot, every mechanic, and every single engineer …No Fear. I am a NASA enthusiast, lucky to be among these brilliant minds. No one on this great planet could imagine their next up and coming finds. I drive in to my job each day marked by the beautiful darkened angel SR-71. Who would have ever dreamed that this woman would have such immeasurable fun? Dryden’s Flight Research Center engulfed in California’s summer heat and sun! I love these hallowed walls, the history, the legacy of NASA a ton. No Lottery Ticket could buy this, No purchase request is this big, No, nothing could ever compare to seeing the Mate de Mate rig. To walk on air, around the Shuttle, to dance effortlessly upon the sand, To feel the wind 3 stories up, and holding back the touch of Endeavour from my hand! This is my playground of dreams, possibilities unfolding, and earthly treasures oh so very dear. The bubble within the bubble, the technology that guides our futures by what we make here. NASA is a bright and brilliant lantern of success, and prolific inspiration. It comes from each and every one of us, and our open lines of communication. With rocket science, space adventures, and new found technology on the winning side. Can’t you feel the rising of the next big global NASA’s energy tide? It is our contributions to the planet earth family that we are honored by, This is our time to show our passions, to stretch our wings, and fly!

Tears from a Broken Heart...Dustin is Sick Again.

Dustin is ill again, his airway is swollen, his breathing labored. We have sat in yet another ER, at yet another hospital, waiting on yet another Respiratory Therapist, to receive yet another breathing treatment that does not work. No Albuterol, No Epinephrine. No one knows how to diagnosis the anomaly I call Dustin Joseph. He is my baby, my precious sunshine, my bottled nitro. No one can tell me what is wrong with him; no one can fix him when he is broken. All I can do is sit back and wonder, wait, and watch. Watch for him to become more and more ill until he lands himself in yet another cold, white, sterile, and uncomfortable hospital bed. Or by the grace of God, pull himself out of it. He has been healthy for over a year now. My guard was down; I began to believe he was a normal child. Unless one lives it, it is hard to fathom, why anyone would pray each day, to not have to live in fear of losing a child. To know first hand how the blessing of bearing a child could potentially become a heart searing scar. How the a child should never sound like Darth Vader with each inhaled breath. And yet, I did not realize I was not the only one living in fear. Dustin and I took off to the hospital early one morning this week, and by afternoon George still had not had an update. In fear he called me, crying, asking if Dustin was dying. I assured him, he was OK, but until he heard his voice, and could talk directly to his brother he could not be consoled. We are broken; in heart, and in spirit… all of us. As if the whole world shifts off of it’s axis when little man can not breathe. Logically my mind assures me I am over reacting, and this is not like times before, that Dusty Joe will not get Air Ambulanced to a children’s hospital, that he will not turn blue, or be put on life support. Logically I know he is going to be OK, and yet within the very fiber of my psyche I am a quivering child alone in a darkened corner of a haunted house separated from the loving arms of my parents. I am no longer a parent in control, but am reduced to a humble, wooden, fishing boat tossed out in a torrential storming sea, a product of the bleak and dismal situation, in search of a lighthouse, a master light keeper, and a safe, welcoming harbor. Lost on a private mental plain, a mystical place where logic and emotion battle. Walking through life alone in a sea of familiar faces, holding tight onto an iron rod within a private hell no one could possibly understand. I do not sleep well when his breathing is labored. He sleeps within arms length of me, a veil of light sleep blankets both of us. For Dusty it is to stay assured I am always there at his side, and for me it is to audibly always hear his shallow breathes. And if he pauses, if only for a moment longer then I am use to I am wide wake, with full dilation of my pupils so that I may visually see the rise and fall of his chest, to look for retraction of his tummy, to see if his tiny nose is flaring out. Even in the darkest absence of light, I can see him as a hawk views it prey. My sight is sharp and keen, and my focus is him. And if he is OK, I drift back into that ever so light veil of rest. Always prayerful for that elusive sleep, only to be granted it, and visited by hellish nightmares. Ones so fearful that I do not even dare utter their visions, for fear of bringing to truth their horrible premonitions. I hate living in fear. For all the blessings of this life, of all the wonders and heights and possibilities held with in life’s corridors of personal passion… None are worth trading the life of a child you have been gifted to raise. I would hand over my house in a heartbeat, my car, even my career. Within the blink of an eye, without a single moment of hesitation, I would walk away from everything to ensure Dustin would remain healthy. There was talk years ago of surgically cutting open his tracheal rings, placing a hole within his throat (a tracheotomy) , and letting him heal for 2 to 3 years before closing it back up. I have long since thought of that possibility, especially at times like these. My healthy, outgoing, seemingly perfect child, turned into a home schooled little boy, in a no longer merely perceived, but rather a very real protective bubble. The thought of having to suction him out, and keep it clean with constant dressing changes, and how the routine, mundane tasks of life, within an instant become complicated. Where would Superman be then, when you needed him most? I stand at the edge of my mental ocean, watching a sunset no others can see. Lost in the realization that I am his only super hero, and my cape has been misplaced. Realizing, that the faith of this one precious child is all the super human strength that I need to pick myself up and carry on. If he believes I can keep him safe, then I can. I am strong because he gives me strength. I am full of faith that this is our right path, a journey hand selected for Dustin and myself. I pray to have the wisdom to balance his needs effectively. To live up to the title of self rescuing space princess, if only for my son. To be able to make him suck it up and drive on enough to raise him into a man, and yet protective enough to fight with a strong enough back bone to tell healthcare professionals when to shove it to get the health care that he needs, when he needs it in order to get him there. While others immerse themselves in their educations, in there degrees, and levels of wisdom and understanding… we balance our lives on health. We cherish simple pleasures of bike rides at dusk, of quiet walks in the desert, of flowers in bloom, and of hosting good friends over for dinner. I breathe in colors, see depth of character, feel sounds, and envision smells. To some it makes me a dreamer, childlike, and immature. And yet, I choose to take on the challenge of being different, meet it head on, and not waste time looking for a life raft from life’s trials, when I know I can build a better more secure one myself. I plan for my future, and make provisions for the tsunami’s that I know are out there just beyond the horizon of my vision. I must be financially sound and secure for the day Dustin is not well. This is not a want, or a desire, it is a need on the lowest rung of my own personally tailored Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Scale. Scott (my latest ex-husband) never understood my need to be debt free, in fact he resented it. But it is this foundation of fear in which my life pivots upon. Embrace the positive; pull each opportunity close to you. Let the flow of energy replenish you because you never know when life’s ebbs and flows will begin to deplete you. I know why a friend of mine races his motorcycle at Willow Spring’s Raceway. At 51 years old, he lets his passions fuel him. Racing is his moment of balance. It is why the simple pleasures are worth the very most. To me, my simplest of pleasure, it is one’s mind and one’s time. Sharing your most valuable possessions…yourself, and your time with someone, is the world’s most sacred gift. Being Dustin’s mother in times of respiratory distress kills me, and drains my very soul, but being his mother everyday of his life fulfills me beyond a measure that can never be truly depleted. I am a stronger person for having the blessing of getting to raise each of my sons. I am only who I am because of them. They do not define me, and yet they greatly enrich me. I am the flower, and they are my roots that bind me to this life. Without them I would never flourish, for they grant me the avenue of sustenance with which I survive. We all have a story, pieces of a puzzle that make up a unique and precious life. Mine is just as complicated as yours, it is no more special, or tragic. I am who and what I am, I am just me. When I am weak, I am broken and shattered, and when I am strong, I can deal with anything, and take on the world. Get Well My Precious Son…I love you, Mom.