Birthday Road Trip...

Well apparently I am having a midlife crisis...granted it is a small one, but I think it is one none the less. If anyone knows me, even a little, they know that I live in a self described bubble. Always have. I love traveling, but not alone, and never as the pilot. Actually not even as the navigator, I see myself more in the role of the happy, perky, easy going stewardess extraordinaire. I pack the car, get the kids ready, hand out drinks as needed, request pit stops for potty breaks, and have control of in flight movies, and occasional radio stations. What I do not do ever is drive. I hate to drive, in fact if I could ride my bicycle to and from work I would. Driving is a chore. In a world of expressionless lifeforms, merging and speeding from one destination to another, and anger all the rage when you are behind the wheel... I am not interested in the distraction or the added level of stress. Within my comfort zone this annoyance factor is manageable...but out there? Out there I become one of them, with the difference of instead of a vente Starbucks wonder concoction in my hand I have a steering wheel. Did I say I had a steering wheel with a full on white knuckled death grip? I do...really, I do. OK, Here is the problem... I live in the middle of no where. A vast expanse in all directions of tranquil, desolate, barren, desert landscape. With no spouse to take pity on me, and being as stubborn as a dang Borax 20 mule team mule, who needs no man in my life to take care of me...well, I have to take myself. That means driving. That is if I ever want to see anything but desert. I am dying to go and do, and yet all I actually do is sit and wait. Now, at the cusp of my 35th birthday, I feel like life is finally at the highest peak for myself, and I seek to push the envelope, burst the bubble, and forge new paths. 35 years while short on number, have all been hard fought years. I gladly celebrate living through each and every one of them... as well as my sincere gratitude for not having to relive any of them. I am going to celebrate in a fashion unlike the glitz, glamor, and over the top style most people think of when they think of me. I am going on a road trip...solo. A right of passage I guess. I am going to go to the LA Temple and spend a little time with my father. I am going to leave early and drive in darkness just in time to arrive at the crest of morning to watch the new day spill forth onto Temple grounds. I am going to sit by the fountain and watch the sunrise with my Dad. I am going to do a session and sit in the Celestial Room and thank him for my many blessings. I am going to ask him for his continued resolve to guide me, and his promise to see me prosper. I am going to weep for his tender mercies, and his loving spirit. I am going to share with him my hopes, my dreams, and for his will to be done. in spite of them. And when he has heard enough from me and grows tired of my countenance then I am off to a little Italian restaurant I love called "Earth, Wind & Flour" for lunch. A tiny little hole in the wall place on Wilshire Blvd. that has such rich decadent entrees, that you are never quite sure if you are eating the meal or the desert. And the buttered bread makes your eyes roll back into the back of your head. A place that is quiet and peaceful... and more aptly suited for the cobblestone streets of Italy then downtown LA. And when I have had my fill of my senses and my food, I will be headed for the serenity of the ocean. Malibu actually. I want to smell the salty sea air, and walk on a soft, wet, sandy beach. I want to take a moment to just breathe. I want to smile into the vast out reach of water, and waves, and cast my mental bottle of hopes, dreams, and aspirations yet to be fulfilled vigorously within. I want to be truly happy...alone. Not there for a child's pleading, or for a parental request, or a lovers desire, but for me. To know that I can go and do anything. To stand there in the sand and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can be anything that I want to be. That there is a horizon set before me of possibilities only limited by my own vision. I want to stand there, in my minds eye, with a jeweled corsage pin and pop my own bubble. Once I have done that... I am going to venture forth to Sylvia Park. I have no idea what to expect there, so it is an adventure all in itself. Maybe it is town of 2 people, or maybe it is a real child's playground. Maybe it is just a road in which I have to take to get me from here to there. Whatever it is, I am sure of one thing... it will be turned into a metaphor for my life. I don't know why I have to go... I just feel like I do. With the final days approaching of my divorce, my name will soon be changed once again to Desiree Marie Sylvia. No longer Desiree Job. The name that I have made for myself... the one that everyone in this chapter of my life knows me as. I have to come to terms with accepting the name I put, so willingly, up on a shelf so many years ago. I have to mentally dust if off, and try it on...I have to ensure that I know within my heart of hearts, and the deepest recesses of my own soul that with the loss of one name does not take away who I am, or what I have accomplished, nor does putting on the old robes that never fit me mean it is going to tarnish my spirit or limit my potential. I am who I make myself to be. A name means nothing, and yet it feels heavy. I am the self rescuing space princess... I can travel, and go, and do, and be... I can decorate the world as I choose with what colors I feel like putting on my canvas with each new sunrise. I can even wear a crown if I so desire. It means nothing to everyone else in the world, but what I see, and how I choose to view it, is what shapes me. I am going to stand there in Sylvia Park... and park my old baggage. I am going to leave behind the old and retain the new. I am going to choose to put the right foot forward... and then I am going to come home. Home, to the place where I belong... with my boys, my friends, and NASA. I hope to be come back stronger...less fearful. For each of us, it is a choice. Fear is a spirit, and I choose to let him in no longer... I will travel, and I will go, and I will do, and I will be. Fear will no longer hold me back. Without fear there is only horizon... Fear much like faith is the belief in something in which is not seen. One is a negative spirit, and one is a positive one. I choose the latter. I have faith that now is the best part of my road, and while it is still uphill, I am about to take off and fly. This is my birthday present to myself. My birthday trip is the gift of flight and freedom.