I have always known that by the nature of the beast, I am, by birth date, a Gemini. A duality sign of the zodiac, with polar opposite sides of the spectrum all encapsulated within one neat little package. While I do not hold much stock in the supernatural, palm reading, or in hocus pocus of the outer realm mystical gypsy's soothsaying, I do know that some, while vague, parts of their characteristics do ring true. So it should not come to such a shock to myself that I would be grappling with seemingly trivial issues, and yet feel as if I am in the eye of a torrential storm.
I suppose I should first layout the issue at hand before I sound like a total crack pot. And yet someone once said about me "Just let the crazy out a little out at a time." But alas, to that I say, no. That is not me. I am expressionistic, and vocal, and while I may not paint as beautifully as my boyfriend, or capture such breath of depth in a photo as my friends Alice or Jaimie, I am still an artist. I paint with my words, as well as with my corny little, often random, works of happiness. The totally over the top displays of passion are uniquely, genuinely, me. In an often frustrating, and mildly embarrassing fashion. That is who I am. I feel deeply, and I will show the world what I feel as I feel it... if only it might, but take a single moment to stop, listen, and care.
So the issue is the pull of two passions. I am as American as apple pie. I am as loyal, and a defender of this nation, our civil liberties, and our environment as Captain Planet himself. I am known by many as the NASA cheerleader, and by some an uber geek. And if you have ever read this blog, then you would know that my passions run a funny gambit from military toys, to space, to nature, to glitter, to all things girly, and everything in between. I am more square then I am round morally, and I am more round then I am square physically.
My problem is loyalty. Never have I encountered an issue with it. Loyalty is better then black and white... it is Red, White, and Blue. I drink it, I eat it, I breathe it, I bleed it. I am the most loyal of all creatures out there to a fault at times. Loyal to my children, my lovers, my nation, my job, my friends, my military, my faith, my dreams, my passions... So if nothing else is left on my death marker I would hope it would be, but the one lone word...Loyal. For unlike something as intimate as my name, my sense of loyalty has never changed... it has never wavered. Yet, all encounters with my loyalty before now just happened like nature taking her course within me. An uprising of instinct, and very little thought. You just do it. It just happens. It just is. Like Half Dome in Yosemite it just always has been, and always will be... a cornerstone the the very foundation to the fiber of who I am. And now... now I am 35 years old, and the rules of engagement have changed... torn asunder under some seemingly tyrannical twist of fate.
NASA is my job. I would NEVER do ANYTHING to jeopardize, or create undo stress to that family. NASA is as much an icon of American greatness and technical prowess as the stars and stripes itself. Synonymous with innovation, and growth. NASA was a shooting star I did not dare to even dream as high for, and yet by some magical mix of sheer luck, and bountiful Celestial blessings I made it here. My heart dances at the sound of her jets, and the sight of her shuttle. She is as noble and as loved as lady liberty herself. And yet, it is still in all its regal sparkle, a government agency. And all that I do, all that I say, all that I am is a representation of her and our Dryden family. Usually this is not a problem to me. Usually...
Boron, and North Edwards is my home. I love this town and these people. It is the home of the American. The quiet "Leave it to Beaver" town in the middle of an unusual movie lot...the desert. The people know their neighbors and really do come out at sunset to talk to one another on the street. A community where non family members pick your kids at the bus stop because it is raining and bring them home because no one should have to walk in the rain. A small intimate town rich in history and family roots. Like so many communities around this great nation... dwindling beyond repair, and a shadow of the glory days that once were. An elderly community, not by years of the residence, but by the dilapidation of the town. Some towns thrive, and some simply, by no fault of their own, wither away. North Edwards, and Boron, Ca are very much the latter. Those that are left are tough, rugged, and mainly family... if not by blood, by sweat and tears. And when you move into our little towns, unlike in the rest of the nation, here you are family too.
These people mainly work at a local Boron mine, and many have for generations, and generations, and generations of families that have worked out there. Right now they in the gripping battle of being locked out of the mine by the owners. A foreign company which has a less then stellar history of not treating their workers right. Their tactics are well documented. And in the struggle the entire town is being brought down to its knees. Almost 600 families in a town with the population of 2400.
A town full of people who have time, and time again, have come to my aid, helped me out, and held me up. One came to fix a fence, another a broken sprinkler, another was a medic that came to our aid when my son was horribly burned, another came bearing gifts for Christmas the year I had nothing to give them, these are the teachers of my children, they are the coaches of my boys sports teams, these are the store keepers, and the church community I once was very active in. They are the bus drivers, and the policemen. Almost every home is directly impacted by the lock out. I have been in many of their homes, and they have been in mine. Some came to my aid because they knew me, or one of my boys, but more often then not, someone heard from someone else there was a need and just came.
NASA is my job, Boron is my town... and American is my blood. They are all such a driving force of who I am, it is hard to separate them. I understand that to protect one from the other I have too, I have no choice... and so I do and I will. But it is the act of having to do so that is truly hurting me in the process.
Laying down my colors of one, lowering the flag of loyalty on one, so that I may freely embrace the other makes me so very sad. It is not about the politics to me. It is about family. It is not about who is right, and who is wrong, it is about who is hurting, and how I may help them. It is about reaching out my hand with love, support, and compassion to those that have selflessly reached out their hand for me when I was face down in the sand, and the desert sun was blistering on my back. It is about opening myself up to their pain and their strife so that I may help to carry their burden so they do not have to shoulder it alone. The very heart I wear on my sleeve is breaking only because I am learning that I too must learn to play the game. And that all things no matter how simplistic, even as simplistic as family, it is still very much all about politics.
And because I love them both, I will protect them both... and ultimately protect myself in the mean time. I will learn politics, and learn to dance on the fine line. I am learning in a painful process how to protect the cornerstones. It is a fine line. And I am not sure I am going to navigate the path correctly. I am fearful, but I have no other choice. I am but a leopard, and I am driven by my spots. I make no apologies for them. And yet all I can do is be Loyal foremost to me. For it is me that I must sleep with at night. When jobs and employers change, and towns are long moved away from... I will still remain. And my marker will still be Loyalty.
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